La Mort de Mort
by aliccolo
Summary: Set in the Animated Series universe, this is the tale of a Columbus Day celebration is interrupted by an unexpected guest. Tragedy ensues. Also, hilarity. This is a dark comedy, and a death fic. You've been warned. No sex, rated for language and gore.


La Mort de Mort

by aliccolo

It was Columbus Day at the mansion, and the residents of the mansion were busy preparing for the traditional festivities. Jean was fast at work baking a lasagna with authentic home made sauce. Storm and Jubilee were busy decorating the dining room in the colors of the Italian flag. Scott arranged for the mansion's sound system to pipe an unending loop of "La Donna E Mobile" and "Nessun Dorma", in order to "capture the spirit of the season". Hank had generously built a replica gondola for the pool, and announced he'd be offering romantic sojourns following supper.

"Bull shit." Logan had hissed stomping out to the garage. No way he was putting up with this crap all day. What the hell kinda holiday was this anyways?

Scott smirked as Logan revved his bike and headed down the drive. He called after him, his voice almost drowned out by the growl of the bike. "Just be back by six! We're having guests for dinner!"

"Don't care." Logan spat, speeding away.

Remy slept in. He'd had a rough night, and as a result, he had one hell of a hangover. He finally stirred around four, his head throbbing. He covered his ears with his pillow, but Pavarotti was overpowering. "Christ, what is it now?"

"Mornin', sleepy head!" Rogue giggled, watching the obviously still slightly intoxicated Cajun wander into the kitchen.

"Don't eat anything, you'll spoil your appetite." Jean chirped, sprinkling cheese onto her perfectly constructed lasagna.

Remy groaned, rubbing his aching temples. "What de hell is all dis? Why is de alarm system blaring Rigoletto?"

"Gambit, it's Columbus Day." Jean shook her head disapprovingly.

"And I should give a fuck why?"

"God, don't you even listen during our briefings?" Jean frowned, foiling the lasagna. She glanced at Remy. His blank expression gave her the answer. "It's only the Professor's favorite holiday..."

"His favorite--?"

Rogue giggled, "Golly, swamp rat, you really don't pay attention in those meetin's, do ya? Professor's only been talking about the festivities for a month now, you know. A celebration of all things Italy...ring a bell?"

"A month..." Remy shook his head, wincing as his brain seemed to rattle. Had he really zoned out during all the meetings for an entire month? He fixed himself some ice water, trying to recall any mention of Columbus Day. Nope, no recollection of any conversations regarding Columbus Day.

"Go get ready, Gambit! Our special guest will be here soon." Jean slid the main course into the oven.

Remy sighed, "Special guest? Do I even wanna know?"

The doorbell rang at 5:58. Jubilee ran to the door, bellowing for the whole house to hear, "I'LLLLLLLLL GETTTTTT ITTTTTTT!!" The toga clad teen smile, greeting the unfamiliar face. "Hello! I'm Jubilee! You must be Mort!"

"It's Morph, actually." The greasey looking mutant replied, obviously uncomfortable. He followed her in, leaving his leather jacket draped over the banister.

The girl grinned, "Right, ok! Come on it, Mort!"

The X-Men clamoured around their old friend with a chorus of hellos and welcomes.

"Um, hi." Morph nodded. "Where's Wolverine?"

Scott checked his watch, "He should be back any minute now."

"Good. He's my only friend." Morph's eyes shifted. Remy couldn't help but be alarmed. Something wasn't right about this...

The oven timer went off, and Jean dashed to the kitchen, Jubilee in tow. Storm ushered the group to the dining room to pick seats.

"How was your trip, Mort?" Rogue smiled, picking a seat next to Remy. Remy tried not to look annoyed.

"Um, it's Morph, not Mort. And, it was good. It kinda rained a bit, but it passed once I got out of the city. The roads were--"

"Mort! So glad you could make it!" Charles wheel himself into the dining room, arms open to embrace the visitor.

Morph shuttered, but obliged the older man. "Uh, hi. Thanks for the invite. I guess."

Jean and Jubilee soon started serving the food. Everyone sat, impatiently awaiting their plates. Soon, each diner was served, with an empty spot for Logan next to Morph. They were all about to dig in then the Professor coughed loudly.

"A-hem." They all looked at him. "Before we eat, let us say a word of thanks to Columbus, for finding America! Gambit, will you do the honors?"

Remy looked horrified as every stared him down, waiting for him to speak. "Uh...well, uh..." He coughed, thinking quickly, "Uh, M. Columbus, merci de d?ouvrir l'Am?ique."

"Well said!" Hank applauded. "Let's eat!"

Forks clinked merrily with china as they wildly scarfed down the steaming lasagna. A tiny hum of conversation began filling the room. Wine was poured, jokes were told. The dinner was actually somewhat enjoyable.

Then, the doorbell rang.

"Who could that be?" Charles pondered, dabbing his lip with his napkin.

"Logan probably locked himself out." Scott said between mouthfuls.

Jubilee sprang to her feet, "I'll let him in!"

The others were fine to let the child go, quickly returning to their non-important conversations. Then, they heard the blood curdling scream.

"Jubilee!" Jean ran toward the door. The others quickly followed. The sight was not pleasant. Jubilee lie still and bloody on the floor, above her lifeless body stood none other than Victor Creed.

"Happy Columbus Day, X-turds!" Sabretooth snarled, galloping on all fours toward the group.

"Mon dieu!" Remy yelped, diving out of the way. He quickly tossed a few charged cards at the ferocious mutant. They exploded with a loud bang, but Creed seemed undeterred.

"Where's the runt? I want his guts!"

"Over here, furball!" Gambit watched in horror as Logan motioned for Creed to attack. "You want me? Come and get me!"

"With pleasure!" Sabretooth launched himself off the wall, landing on Logan with a heavy thud. The evil mutant became a flurry of horrific pummels, tearing Logan to bits. Remy threw card after card at Creed's back, hoping to get him to stop the attack. The other X-Men stood silent, gasping at the carnage. Satisfied with his handy work, Creed went for the kill, before pausing sharply, inhaling the scent of his prey. "Only, you ain't Wolverine."

"No...I ain't..." Logan gasped, before slowly changing into Morph.

"No matter. Yer dead either way!" Creed callously ripped Morph's head off, blood drenching him and the entire foyer. "Tell yer filthy pal Wolverine, he's next!" The murderer grabbed Morph's headless corpse and disappeared out the front door into the night. All that was left of the shapeshifter was his decapitated head.

"Mort! Nooooooooo!" Charles collapsed from his chair, using his arms to crawl over to the head. He lifted it, cradling it like a baby. "You were the best among us. You were the best!"

Jean wept into Scott's embrace, "Why did it have to be Mort?"

"Sick bastard!" Rogue shrieked.

Gambit stood in shock. What the hell just happened? Did his eyes deceive him, or did Morph just get brutally killed by Sabretooth? And was Gambit the only one who even tried to stop the attack? "What de fuck is goin' on?"

Storm gently patted Remy's shoulder, "Mort was so brave, so kind. His death brings us much sorrow. One day perhaps the fates will reveal their twisted plots..."

Remy shook her arm off, "If his deat' bring so much sorrow, why didn' y'all try an' save him? Y'all stood 'round, didn' do not'in' to help po' Morph." Remy crossed his arms, "His name is Morph, by the way, not Mort."

"Shhh, brother. The loss is still fresh." Storm gave him a concerned smile. "Your anger will pass. And Mort's death shall not be in vain!"

An hour later, the telltale sound of a motorcycle filled the still blackness of the night. Everyone still sat in the entry way, except Jubilee, who was in the medical lab recovering. They all sat on the steps in silence, staring at the mess of blood and sinews, loathing the idea of explaining the ordeal to Logan.

Unfortunately, they didn't have to. The blood was in the air, and Creed's stench too. Logan burst in from the garage, claws unsheathed, ready to whoop some fuzzy ass.

"Jesus Christ! What happened in here?" Logan barked. Jean burst into tears again. The others were silent, watching Logan pace the room, sniffing and examining the aftermath. His eyes suddenly flashed. "Where is he? Where's Mort?"

Charles still clutched the lonesome head, grasping it tight to his bosom. "He's here, Logan."

Logan's face twisted in horror as the reality sank in. "Oh fuck no! Mort! Nooooooo!"

"He was the best among us." Scott whispered.

"He was the best among us!" Logan roared, rage and sadness overpowering him.

Remy shook his head in disbelief. "You ain' goin' berserker on us, right homme?"

"He was my friend! Mort was a true and honest friend!" The feral resheathed his claws. "Mort was my best friend in the whole world."

Remy scoffed, "Well fuck you too, Logan."

"Remy!"

"I t'ought I were his best friend." Gambit pouted.

"Stop bein' so durn insensitive!" Rogue whined, elbowing the Cajun in the gut.

"Oof!" Remy gasped for air, leaning on the railing. His attention was caught by something...Morph's jacket was still draped over the banister. "Well, looky here. It's ol' Morphie's coat."

"Give it to me!" As Logan snatched it away, a folded paper sheet fell from the pocket. "A letter?"

"Allow me to narrate." Hank said, boldly helping himself to the paper. He read aloud:

_"'Dear X-holes,_

_This is a suicide note. I can't take this anymore. You guys are the biggest pricks in the world. You have made my life a living hell ever since I met you. You first abandon me and leave me for dead. Then when you learn I am alive, you expect me to play nice and be part of the team. And, to top it off, you can't even remember my name. I've hired Sabretooth to take me out, and to hopefully take out Wolverine too. He's my best friend after all, I don't think I could survive the afterlife without him. But, knowing Creed, he probably fucked up and Wolverine is probably amongst you, reading this. Thanks a lot for destroying my life, you giant douche bags._

_-Morph'"_

Scott frowned, "I had no idea his name was Morph. I thought it was Mort all these years..."

"As did I." Storm frowned too.

"He was the best among us." Charles repeated.

Remy stood suddenly, "Gimme a fuckin' break! Dat lunatic who killed himsel'f by hirin' Sabretooth to decapitate him was the 'best among us'?! Are you outta yer minds!"

Rogue huffed, "Remy, let us grieve. Maybe you and Mort--"

"Morph!"

"--weren't the best of buds. But we all liked him! We all respected him! And we'll all honor his death!"

Remy glared, heading outside, "Mebbe you shoulda honored his life instead."

_Dilegua, o notte!  
Tramontate, stelle!  
Tramontate, stelle!  
All'alba vincer?  
vincer? vincer?_  
**_Turandot_**


End file.
